Saddam Assassinated; Democrats Suspect October Surprise, Only In November
BAGHDAD - Moments after he was convicted of crimes against humanity, Saddam Hussein was shot and killed in an underground parking garage during his transfer to a secure jail facility, an event that was broadcast live on Iraqi television. As stunned onlookers watched, the U.S. Secret Service wrestled the alleged gunman to the ground and hustled the assailant into a waiting limousine before speeding away, causing conspiracy theorists to question whether the U.S government had orchestrated the incident as a way to create positive news from the war torn nation before the midterm congressional elections. Abraham Abdul al-Zapruder, who witnessed the slaying, contradicted the official 'lone gunman' theory, telling authorities a possible second shooter, the so-called 'gassy Pole' was seen opening an umbrella seconds before shots were heard, although no such man has been found. The Polish government refused comment, instead focusing on the new thirty billion dollar aid package the United States sent by Fedex overnight. President Bush released a statement from Air Force One while en route from an undisclosed location, saying "I don't know who did this, but the Democrats will raise your taxes and I'll just pardon myself if anyone finds out, anyway." Democrats were incensed, and Senator John Kerry speechified that it takes no brains to kill Iraqis, which was misinterpreted as disrespectful to the troops.
In a related story, the National Association of Evangelicals announced it had been molested years ago by the Knights of Columbus, and checked itself into rehab. |
Violence Spreads Over Defaced L. Ron Hubbard Poster John Travolta Leads Hollywood Riot LOS ANGELES - Police clashed with an angry group of Scientologists outside a west side Starbucks after they refused to both disperse and pay for a second shot of espresso. Scientologists all over Hollywood have been incensed ever since a poster of L. Ron Hubbard, founder of the science fiction-based religion, was defaced at the group's Celebrity Center. "It's blasphemy!" screamed Kirstie Alley as she exited a nearby Yum Yum Donuts with ten boxes full of creamy eclairs. "These are for the rioters, by the way." Followers of Hubbard have decried for years the lack of respect for their belief that an alien being named Xenu gathered everyone in the galaxy he didn't like millions of years ago and destroyed their souls with hydrogen bombs planted in volcanoes, turning them into thetans who now infest the bodies of everyone on earth and refuse to come out unless they receive thousands of dollars in fees for personality tests. Actor John Travolta was arrested after a brief scuffle with police, but released on his own recognizance that Battlefield Earth truly sucked. Muslims around the world momentarily stopped rioting over cartoons depicting Mohammed to laugh and point. |
Iraq To Downsize Seeks 2 Bdrm With Walk In Closets, View BAGHDAD - The newly formed government of this war torn middle eastern country has decided to seek other digs, it was announced today. "With so many of our young ones grown up or dead, we thought it was time," said President Jalal Talabani. "Rambing around in this drafty old country can be depressing. Plus, interest rates are only gonna go up." The U.S. State Department was caught off guard by the announcement, but pledged to cooperate. "We're really going to miss them," said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Our kids grew up together. I remember sitting in the porch swing summer evenings, watching them catch fireflies in mason jars and blow up security checkpoints," she sniffed. "Those were simpler times." Several buyers have already expressed an interest in the large fixer upper. Iran was first in line at the open house held over the weekend by ReMax/Fallujah's Abdullah El Zawahari Weinstein-Johnston. "Iran has noisy neighbors on their Afghan side, so they'd like to add a game room to the west wing," said the broker. "Plus, they could use the oil reserves to fund exportation of Islamic fundamentalism. It's a win-win." Once the sale is complete, Iraq plans a move to Nevada for the prostitution and ample nuclear dump sites. |
Jesus Cancels Rapture Second Coming 'Waste of Time' Says Savior HEAVEN - The Son of God released a statement today officially canceling His return to earth. "The whole point was to retrieve worthy souls", said Christ. "I come back now, that's a lot of empty seats. With gas prices, it's just not cost effective. As for the unleashing of a thousand years of hell on earth, well, you guys obviously don't need me for that. I'll stop by next millennium." Cultists around the world howled in protest at the announcement. "I've been predicting this every year since '68", said a bearded freak selling kool-aid on a San Francisco street corner. "Now it's finally time, and it's canceled? Who died and made Him king?" Religious leader Pat Robertson was quick to take credit for the surprising turn of events. "I asked My Lord for more time to get rid of activist judges, and He answered Me. I'll take over from here." Advocates for the meek were extremely disheartened by the decision. "By the time we inherit this place," said a beggar, "it'll be completely trashed." Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Shintos, Sikhs, Tom Cruise, and others of faith across the world said, "Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah." President Bush announced he would use the extra time to push for more tax cuts. "Plus, now my grandchildren can grow up to be Presidents, too," chuckled Mr. Bush, which raised calls for his daughters' crucifixion and caused rioting throughout the civilized world. The U.S. remained quiet. The Vatican issued a statement that Pope Benedict XVI was eager to begin work on the Fourth Reich. |
War on Terror Expanded to Include Horror
Horrified Democrat Arrested
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced today the war on terror would be expanded to include horror. "These horrorists need to know we mean business," the President said during a press briefing. New York Senator Hillary Clinton responded she was "horrified at this abuse of power," and promptly arrested by Capitol police. She was taken to an undisclosed location in preparation for transfer to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Vice President Dick Cheney, reached at the undisclosed location next door, said, "Everything is under control. It's really quite cozy down here." Former President Bill Clinton was in New Orleans touring the hurricane ravaged city when he heard the news his wife was being held. "I have serious questions about this action. First, how long do you think they'll hold her? Second, when's Mardi Gras?" After the detention of the possible Presidential candidate, Democrats were both shocked and cautious in their response. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said in a speech in California she was "disconcerted," as she eyed Secret Service agents watching from the back of the room, "but we mustn't rush to judgement." It was also reported filmmaker George Romero was in hiding in Pittsburgh. The White House was extremely pleased with the bump in polling numbers, and is now considering a war on trepidation and disquietude. |
Israel Gives Up
Jewish State Plans Move to Florida
TEL AVIV - Israeli officials revealed today the Middle Eastern state has decided to relocate to West Palm Beach, Florida. "We've had it", kvetched Housing Minister Isaac Herzog, "with the bombings and the fences and the this and the that. Who needs the aggravation?" The United Nations Security Council met in emergency session in an attempt to mollify the state, but Israel was having none of it. "The U.N. doesn't know from nothing", said the country, "I've got a massive headache from meetings and resolutions. The U.N. should kish mine tuches." Outgoing Mexican President Vicente Fox lobbied hard to persuade the Jewish state to choose Mexico as Israel's new home, but Ariel Sharon put the kibosh on that idea after meeting with Tijuana authorities. "It was a close call. We would have had a stunning ocean view on one side, and blinding poverty and desperation over the wall on the other. Just like home." But, ultimately, tax incentives pushed through the Florida legislature by Governor Jeb Bush made the difference. "We're extremely pleased to welcome these folks", said the Republican leader. "They're hardened, right wing Jews, not the soft, Democratic ones. Like Cubans without the lawn ornaments." Palestinian leader Mamoud Abbas expressed mixed feelings. "I'm glad to see them go. But whose houses will we clean?" |
Bin Laden Found in Plain Sight
Al Qaeda Leader Appeared Homeless, Invisible
LOS ANGELES - Osama bin Laden has been living unnoticed for months among the poorest population of Los Angeles, much to the chagrin of Department of Homeland Security officials and local law enforcement. He used no disguise, and regularly approached drivers at freeway off ramps and passers-by near Los Angeles City Hall, none of whom recognized the terrorist leader. "You don't look directly at them," said attorney Jerry Styles, who frequently passed within inches of the world's most wanted fugitive. "You just pretend they aren't there." He was arrested only after he attempted to enter Beverly Hills, which has a zero tolerance policy for people suspected of having limited resources. "We normally just dump 'em near skid row," said Beverly Hills police sergeant T. Van Weatherbottom III, "but we had a sick poodle call near the station, so we booked him as a vagrant and sent him to L.A. County jail." Bin Laden was subsequently released due to overcrowding after a computer records check turned up no criminal history. It is rumored the Al Qaeda leader guest starred on several episodes of "Joey" last season, also without attracting attention. |
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