Mel Gibson Attacks Beverly Hills; Jews Demand Apology, Ticket Refunds
Malibu – Forces loyal to Mel Gibson pounded Beverly Hills again today with the largest rocket barrage yet in the Braveheart director’s war against the Jews. In the fiercest fighting to date, blue-face painted personal assistants defied a punishing ground assault on the star’s Malibu estate by hundreds of vice-presidents-in-charge-of-things sent by a coalition of Jewish studio heads. The short-range christfire missiles are believed to have been supplied by CBN, whose chairman, the Rev. Pat Robertson, is no stranger to bomb throwing. A spokesperson for the company denied the charge and called for an immediate cease fire, followed by an evening prayer service and potluck supper. One of the missiles landed near a kibbutz in neighboring West Hollywood, triggering fears Gibson might ‘go after the gays’ next, and officials worried the Lethal Weapon star may possess longer range missiles which could reach all the way to Disney Studios in Burbank. President Bush is closely monitoring the situation, but sources indicate he actually preferred Bruce Willis in the Die Hard films. Press secretary Tony Snow denied reports the administration is merely waiting until the fighting spills over onto the estate of Barbra Streisand, which would almost certainly trigger a long planned takeover by U.S. troops. Jewish leaders have demanded an apology and reparations, including refunds of ticket sales going back to at least Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.
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Pregnant Woman Sued To Force Abortion; Boyfriend Cites 'Man's Right to Choose' Judge Orders Him to Gain 30 Pounds and Throw Up Daily NEW YORK - The National Center for Men filed a lawsuit on behalf of a 25 year old computer programmer to force his pregnant girlfriend to abort their unborn child. He is the first computer programmer known to actually inseminate a female. The lawsuit asks the court to recognize a man's right to choose his woman's actions under the equal protection clause of the constitution. "Our client was just looking for a good time," said Mel Shovanis, director of the men's center. "And we believe she had a good time, too, for a couple of minutes there." The woman, named in the suit as "That Lying Slut", begged to differ. "It was lousy," said Ms Slut, "I felt a little prick, and then it was over." Mel Shovanis countered, "That's all we're asking for." Neve R. Getany, president of the National Organization for Women, released a statement decrying the suit, "This is why we're all lesbians." The jurist assigned to the case is not known for his sense of humor. Judge Mike Hunt ordered the plaintiff to gain weight, urinate constantly, and vomit each morning upon waking. He also ordered doctors to induce pain and swelling in the man's breasts in preparation for trial. The plaintiff appears ready. "If this trial gets televised, I bet I get laid again." A friend-of-the-court brief was filed on the plaintiff's behalf by the Mens Organization for the Reform Of Neonatology, or MORON.
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Cheney Shoots Lawyer; Awarded Bronze Star CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS - Vice President Dick Cheney awarded himself the Bronze Star for saving the life of his hunting companion after the man stumbled across a covey of Al-Qaeda affiliated quail in south Texas yesterday. Harry Whittington, a 78 year old Austin attorney, was rushed to Christus Memorial Hospital. The quail were sent to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Critics of the administration cried fowl over the medal ceremony, which was convened under an oak tree immediately following the incident. "The Vice President is not in the military, nor was he on a field of battle," said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. "Plus, he shot the guy." Vice President Cheney, who travels with a full retinue of military officials and catalogue of medals, sharply disagreed. "Sometimes it's necessary to destroy a companion in order to save him", growled Cheney. "We're engaged in a war on terror, and we won't rest until the entire world is a battlefield." President Bush released a statement expressing support for Cheney. "Big Dick is a tough old bird, and I'm sure he thought he saw a trial lawyer instead of one of ours." Whittington is listed in serious condition. The quail are being grilled. Administration sources indicate Cheney could return from his fly fishing vacation next month with a Medal of Freedom.
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2005 To Continue Well Into Next Year "We Must Stay The Course" Says Bush WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a televised speech to the nation, President Bush responded to mounting criticism of his administration by announcing the United States would not leave 2005 "until we can successfully achieve our goals." Critics demanding an end to the year were once again disappointed. "2005 has become a quagmire," said Democratic congressman John Murtha. "This is a flawed year, and we've done all we can do. It's time to get out." Polls show the American public is tiring of the year and are ready for it to end, but White House sources indicate President Bush would not "bow to the whims of time, but continue with 2005 until victory is won." White House spokesman Scott McClellan said "The President considers the Roman calendar to be an artificial timetable. They probably came up with it during one of those orgies." Congressman Murtha has called for an immediate redeployment of October and November, and a total withdrawal from 2005 to come within 60 days. Senators are divided equally, with those currently under criminal indictment preferring the year to end as quickly as possible.
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| Tom Delay Born Again, Again
Claims New Status Precludes Prosecution Under Double Jeopardy Clause of Fifth Amendment
WASHINGTON, D.C.- Embattled Republican leader Tom Delay held a press conference today, during which he outlined a unique defense against charges of conspiracy and money laundering. "I've been born again, again," said the former House Majority Leader, "which means I cannot be tried for crimes committed subsequent to my first rebirth but before my second." Skeptical reporters peppered the Congressman with questions, which Delay repeatedly answered with "You'll have to ask the other guy." Democrats responded with their usual outraged confusion. "He hasn't been tried for anything, yet," sputtered Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, "so how is that double jeopardy? As they say in church, Jesus Christ!" Republicans rallied around their colleague, however. "He's got a Constitutional right to be born again, again," said Conservative Senator Sam Brownback. "They're always crying about the right to abort babies, but what about the afterbirth?" Austin District Attorney Ronnie Earle was stunned. "I'll be Goddamned", he said. Tom Delay Number Two, as he now insists on being called, responded, "Exactly."
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Fox Hires Katrina
Hurricane to Follow O' Reilly Factor
NEW YORK - After a brief bidding war for her services, Fox News announced today it has tapped Hurricane Katrina to host a half hour nightly news show to follow "The O' Reilly Factor." The catastrophic storm expressed gratitude to Rupert Murdoch, saying "This is a real chance to show the world what I can do, and I intend to blow it." It was rumored Katrina turned down an offer from rival CNN to co-host 'Anderson Cooper 360.' The news network denied this, stating "We've got more hot air than we know what to do with. Paula Zahn alone could launch the Hindenburg." Katrina herself was coy on Meet the Press this past Sunday, at one point apologizing for her rough treatment of Sheppard Smith. "He's such a handsome man. A girl could really blast a squall." Fox News took the bait, and made the cyclone an offer she couldn't refuse. ABC News had sought the waterspout's services as a roving disaster on 'Nightline,' but wished the typhoon well in her new position, which will be just off the Carolina coast. Bill O' Reilly, reached in an internet chatroom, had kind words for the windbag, saying "I felt an immediate kinship with her. I consider Katrina a friend, a colleague, and a national treasure. I loved her work in the ninth ward. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to soap up." The BBC briefly considered offering the ill wind a position as a foreign correspondent, but decided against the tempest in a tea pot. Universal had sought to develop a sitcom for the atmospheric cataclysm, but Katrina's representatives were unimpressed with NBC's fall lineup. CBS said it would continue with Bob Schieffer through 2021.
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William Bennett Announces Plan to End Iraq War
"Abortion could work wonders", Says Virtuous Former Secretary
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Education Secretary William J. Bennett, author of "The Book of Virtues", announced today that abortion was key to ending the war in Iraq. "We need to take a serious look at abortion as a method of nipping the insurgency in the bud. The more Iraqis we abort, the sooner we can bring good Christian values to that poor country." When a reporter reminded him that Iraq was not a Christian nation, Mr. Bennett took even more umbrage than usual. "They're sitting on huge supplies of oil over there. Who do you think created the dinosaurs which provide those fossil fuels," he snorted, "Mohammed?" The Muslim world was outraged by the remarks, suggesting that Mr. Bennett should stick to aborting African American babies in the United States in order to control crime. "We'll get to that. One low life minority at a time," he said. "I'm also looking at abortion as a way to control population growth and end world hunger. Abort the babies, then eat the fetus. It's a double benefit." Bennett was asked why he was pro abortion in other countries, but opposed it in his own. "There's no toilet in America's dining room, pal," he said. After the press conference, Mr. Bennett was unavailable for further comment, as he had left for a tour of hurricane ravaged casinos along the Mississippi River. He vowed to continue the dialogue, however, as well as to promote his plan to raze the National Institutes of Health as a way to end the scourge of cancer.
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Rehnquist Returns From Dead Scalia dissents, "No right to die and rise again." WASHINGTON, D.C.- Former Chief Justice William Rehnquist rose from the grave today, angered by speculation he would remain dead for the foreseeable future. "I'm a changed man," he said, getting no argument from the gaggle of reporters holding their noses. "Had a long talk with Jesus, and he set me straight on some things. Abortion, Bush v Gore, you name it." Antonin Scalia released a statement calling the resurrection clearly unconstitutional, saying it would lead to the legalization of prostitution, gay marriage, and masturbation. When informed masturbation was not illegal, Scalia lunged at a reporter, but had reached the end of his chain. He then retired under the porch to lick his privates. President Bush remained noncommittal as to whether a decision had been made to re-appoint Rehnquist to the court, saying, "I want to thank Rennie for his service, but frankly, he smells like New Orleans, and we've got Johnny Roberts coming in, plus the old lady from down the hall. What's that? Oh, then what's-his-name. Likes baseball." Leading conservatives seemed shocked by Rehnquist's new liberal stance, and Pat Robertson promised to pray him right back underground. Democrats were equally mystified. Calls to Ted Kennedy's office went unreturned, but sources say he was rushed to Bethesda Medical Center, complaining of chest pains and muttering "She's still dead, right? Mary Jo's not coming back, right?"
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