Palin Dispatched to Switzerland; Polanski On Edge
GENEVA – Swiss officials expressed alarm today upon learning that former US Vice-Presidential candidate and all around ‘mama bear’ Sarah Palin had been contracted by the Los Angeles County District Attorney’s office to bring the fugitive film director Roman Polanski back to its jurisdiction ‘dead or alive.’ The brilliant director and rapist survived World War II, the Holocaust, and Charles Manson, but apparently it takes a crazy Republican ex-governor with a shotgun and a penchant for moose meat to truly strike terror in the heart of the diminutive pedophile. “Have you looked into her eyes?” asked the tiny sodomite. “It’s worse than the end of Rosemary’s Baby! And look what happened to Letterman when he joked about her daughter. Saint merde!” Officials at the State Department had no comment, but unidentified sources said they were confident justice would be served. “She’s actually pretty good at destroying decrepit old men. Look at John McCain.”
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Bill Clinton Frees Hot Asian Prisoners; Seeks New Diplomatic Emissions
PYONGYANG – Former President Bill Clinton negotiated the release of journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee from the secretive North Korean regime today after private talks with its reclusive dictator, Kim Jong Il. “It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced such a satisfying discharge,” said the former President. “My dog’s been on a short leash ever since Hillary made Secretary of State, if you know what I mean, and man was it good to get away. We got anybody in Thailand? Let’s keep this party going!” The two journalists were charged with unlawful entry, something Clinton said was right up his alley. The former President escorted the journalists back to the U.S.A. today after a quick stop at the Bangkok Hooters. Upon landing at Burbank Airport in California, the women were quoted as saying it was a relief to finally be out of the cramped space in which they constantly felt trapped and threatened, and that was just on the plane ride home. President Obama was gratified that Clinton could make the trip, and invited him to the White House on any day Melia and Sasha aren’t home.
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Jackson Family Begins Legal Battle for Control of Walter Cronkite’s Estate
NEW YORK – Joe Jackson filed an emergency request with the U.S. District Court in Manhattan requesting permission to immediately take charge of Walter Cronkite’s estate to ensure the famed newsman’s legacy would be protected. “We workin’ a deal with Blu-ray,” said the Jackson family patriarch in a rambling, incoherent press conference on the steps of the courthouse, “and ain’t no way Debbie Rowe can take care of them kids.” Several members of the Jackson family later distanced themselves from his remarks, and a spokesman explained, “Look, he’s an old man and he was up late the night before beating – I mean reading - bedtime stories to Michael’s children.” Jermaine Jackson is known to want the broadcaster buried at Neverland if it would in any way revive his career. In a related story, a spokesman for Cronkite’s family said “Walter is just eager to get in the grave and start spinning, weeknights at 6:30, 5:30 Central.”
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Palin Resigns, One-Ups Sanford in Battle of Bat-shit Crazy Republican Presidential Hopefuls
WASILLA, AK – One day after Governor Mark Sanford held another rambling, confessional press conference, stunning observers with revelations he “may have come on,” several women who were neither his wife nor his mistress, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announced plans to resign her office and pursue mental instability full-time. The former Vice-Presidential candidate had expressed concern recently that the South Carolina Governor’s increasingly erratic behavior threatened to surpass her own in the run up to the 2012 Presidential election. Supporters within the far-right wing of the Republican Party were pleased with her decision. “This guy Sanford has turned into a formidable opponent,” her spokesman said. “He’s announcing next week that he’s actually a Reptilian Humanoid Shape-Shifter, so now was the time for Sarah to ‘take crazy back.’” No word on whether Newt Gingrich planned to move up his announcement of plans to undergo gender reassignment surgery.
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Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson Hung Like a Moose;
Coroner stunned by ‘Jackson 12’
LOS ANGELES – Preliminary reports indicate pop star Michael Jackson possessed what can only be called “an enormous cock,” according to unnamed sources within the Los Angeles County Coroner’s office. TMZ first broke the story of Jackson’s johnson when founder Harvey Levin noticed an unusually large package of embalming fluid being eased in the back door of the facility where the King of Pop was stored. “There were no other bodies there at the time,” said the gossip monger, “so all that fluid had to go somewhere.” Shortly thereafter, several women in the coroner’s office reportedly fainted, and when paramedics entered the building, Levin followed disguised as a bag of medical waste. “It was huge,” he said, “and I know something about giant dicks.” According to the as-yet-unreleased report, however, the size of the star’s testicles is believed to be “fairly typical for a fifty year-old white male.” Sources close to the family would neither confirm nor deny the report, but plans are reportedly in the works for a public viewing of the star’s genitalia. Tickets go on sale August 1.
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Iranian Revolution Postponed Until Release of Michael Jackson’s Toxicology Report
TEHRAN – Iranian opposition leader Mir-Hossein Mousavi announced today that calls for a new election and all other revolutionary activities will cease until the Los Angeles coroner’s office releases the results of toxicology tests performed on Michael Jackson, which could take several weeks. “We need the world’s attention if we’re going to overthrow the government, and until people know what combination of prescription drugs caused Michael’s death, that’s just not going to happen,” said the Iranian presidential candidate. “It was the same thing when Anna Nicole died during Ramadan. We just put off the festival of Eid al-Fitr for a while. No biggee. Plus, how many traumatic world events can Twitter handle at one time?” Sources inside the Guardian Council report that hard-liners are relieved the King of Pop has stolen the limelight from the uprising, which was a continuing problem within the Islamic Republic. “Now that everybody is focused on Michael,” quoted an anonymous source, “we can really bust some heads.” The official statement released by the office of the country’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was less direct. “The only way to confront your enemy is through the fortification of resistance and Jihad. Death to Vicodin.” President Mahmoud Ahmadinajad was in seclusion and could not be reached for comment, as he was still pretty upset about Farah Fawcett.
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Bill Clinton Switches Party Affiliation; “GOP Gettin’ All the Poon,” says Former Chief Exec
NEW YORK – Former President Bill Clinton resigned from the Democratic party and registered as a Republican today after news of another prominent GOP leader’s affair. “I don’t know about ya’ll, but I didn’t get into politics to sit home and twiddle my thumbs. Or anything else, if you know what I’m saying,” he said, winking at a blonde FOX News correspondent among the gaggle of reporters gathered on the driveway of his Westchester home. “I like Obama and all, but he’s ruining things for the rest of us with all this ‘date night’ stuff. Used to be it was Democrats who were swimming in pussy.” There was no immediate comment from Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, although an unnamed source said she was last seen leaving her office with a gallon of saltpeter and iron shackles. No word on whether her husband will appear in the upcoming “GOP Guys Gone Wild” video.
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Facebook Invades Twitter; Ashton Kutcher Appointed ‘Special’ Envoy to Cyberspace
WORLD WIDE WEB – Forces loyal to Facebook pounded Twitter again today with the largest virtual barrage yet in the social networking site’s war against the Twits. In the fiercest fighting to date, Twitterers were defriended at an unprecedented rate and locked out of popular applications like Send-a-Hug and What-Kind-of-Herpes-Are-You? Tweeters defied the punishing assault and fought back with a ferocious bombardment of mundane updates that threatened to overwhelm the invading forces. Although Youtube has vowed to remain neutral, President Obama, worried about just such an escalation, dispatched newly-appointed envoy Ashton Kutcher to the region. “There’s no bigger tool in social networking,” said the President, as the actor smiled blankly with no understanding of his complete sentences. Asked what about Iran, a spokesman for Twitter replied, “We’re bored with them. They hardly even go out to eat.” Authorities were less concerned about MySpace, as no one actually uses that site anymore.
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War on Terror Expanded to Include Horror; Eli Roth Arrested in Cannes
CANNES – In cooperation with Interpol, F.B.I. agents arrested director Eli Roth hours after U.S. Director of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano raised the Media Threat Level from “Two Thumbs Down” to “Absolute Schlock.” Roth was in the resort city after attending the Cannes Film Festival premiere of “Inglourious Basterds,” directed by friend and fellow filmmaker, Quentin Tarantino. Tarantino was also questioned, but released after promising never to act in one of his films again, ever. Roth, who shot to fame as a member of the horror-porn fraternity of directors known as the “Splat Pack,” professed his innocence, but French police vowed to hold him even if U.S. charges were dropped. “Frankly, we think Hostel 2 was a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions. Talk about terror, quelle merde!” Director Uwe Boll offered to be arrested in sympathy, but was turned away because those things he directs don’t actually qualify as films.
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Washington to Wed Oregon
Same State Marriage Provokes Court Challenge
WASHEGON - Oregon proposed to Washington yesterday, provoking a firestorm of controversy in both statehouses, and prompting lawsuits across the Pacific Northwest. Politicians across the nation expressed outrage. "This is unconstitutional. Marriage must be preserved as an institution specific to a man and a woman," said former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, "this state on state stuff is repulsive. Ohio tried some monkey business when I was in office, and we smacked that bitch down." James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, released a statement, "The Moral Municipalities must stand together against these Godless unions. This is why we desperately need a theocracy." Massachusettes Congressman Barney Frank derided critics, saying "Why can't we just be happy these two states found each other, and concentrate on more pressing problems, like lowering the age of consent for House pages?" Tacoma, longtime companion of Seattle, sympathized, "Our commitment is stronger than ever, but it's tough at first. We had problems during the grunge period, but we got through it and couldn't be happier. More power to them." Several states have constitutional amendments outlawing the practice. Texas plans to vote on the issue later this year, as it has grown increasingly uncomfortable due to the fact Oklahoma sucks.
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GOP Poll Numbers Continue to Drop
Party Urges Constitutional Amendment to Ban Flag Burning at Gay Weddings
WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Americans in record numbers expressing their distaste with the Republican Party, GOP Congressional leadership announced plans to whip out two of its favorite issues, flag burning and gay marriage. Members of the Gay Pride Alliance in Washington protested on Capitol Hill, whipping out something of their own as news cameras rolled. "These unpatriotic flamers are killing our values," said House Minority leader John BOehNER. Democrats decried the divisive strategy, and Congressman Barney Frank vowed to huddle with several young, male staff's members to formulate a response "if it takes all night." Key Republican strategist Karl Rove defended the move and his resemblance to Ned Beatty. "Americans expect the Republican Party to come out of the closet on this issue, and take it all the way up the flagpole. And I never even saw Deliverance." Ben Dover, speaking on behalf of a gay trade alliance, the Brotherhood Of National Erotica Retail Salespersons, said, "We sell paraphernalia for gay weddings, but there's not much call for Old Glory, on the whole." Republicans insisted the Flag hags would not be tolerated, and expected donors to grease the skids and ease passage of the amendment, no matter how painful. "If this works, we may even start up again with the wetbacks," said a GOP insider.
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Israel Gives Up
Jewish State Plans Move to Florida
TEL AVIV - Israeli officials revealed today the Middle Eastern state has decided to relocate to West Palm Beach, Florida. "We've had it", kvetched Housing Minister Ariel Atias, "with the bombings and the fences and the this and the that. Who needs the aggravation?" The United Nations Security Council met in emergency session in an attempt to mollify the state, but Israel was having none of it. "The U.N. doesn't know from nothing", said the country, "I've got a massive headache from meetings and resolutions. The U.N. should kish mine tuches." Mexican President Felipe Calderon lobbied hard to persuade the Jewish state to choose Mexico as Israel's new home, but Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu put the kibosh on that idea. "It was a close call. We would have had a stunning ocean view on one side, and blinding poverty and desperation over the wall on the other. Just like home." But, ultimately, tax incentives pushed through the Florida legislature by Governor Charlie Crist made the difference. "We're extremely pleased to welcome these folks", said the Republican leader. "They're hardened, right wing Jews, not the soft, Democratic ones like they have in New York. Similar to Cubans, but without the lawn ornaments." Palestinian leader Mamoud Abbas expressed mixed feelings. "I'm glad to see them go. But whose houses will we clean?"
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Iraq To Downsize
Seeks 2 Bdrm With Walk In Closets, View
BAGHDAD - Leaders of this war torn middle eastern country have decided to seek other digs, it was announced today. "With so many of our young ones grown up or dead, we thought it was time," said President Jalal Talabani. "Rambing around in this drafty old country can be depressing. Plus, with the recession, it was just too hard to refinance." The U.S. State Department was caught off guard by the announcement, but pledged to cooperate. "We'll certainly miss them," said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. "Our kids grew up together. I remember sitting in the porch swing summer evenings, watching them catch fireflies in mason jars and blow up security checkpoints," she sniffed. "Those were simpler times." Several buyers have already expressed an interest in the large fixer upper. Iran was first in line at the open house held over the weekend by ReMax/Fallujah's Abdullah El Zawahari Weinstein-Johnson. "Iran has noisy neighbors on their Afghan side, so they'd like to add a game room to the west wing as a buffer," said the broker. "Plus, they can use the money from oil reserves to repaint the place and export Islamic fundamentalism. It's a win-win." Once the sale is complete, Iraq plans a move to Nevada for the prostitution and ample nuclear dump sites.
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