i-Pad Destroyed on Friday; Resurrected on Sunday LOS ANGELES – The sorrow of a man in Southern California whose brand new i-Pad died on Good Friday turned to jubilation when the device reportedly came back to life on Easter Sunday morning. Peter Rock received the pre-ordered device via UPS a day earlier than its official release, a fact he claimed was “a miracle,” but when he lost the computer tablet during a spelunking accident that afternoon in the Hollywood Hills, his life abruptly lost all meaning. “I was, like, totally devastated. It didn’t seem real. I, like, denied it three times.” The i-Pad was sealed in a tomb for three days, the only light from its 9.7 inch diagonal, LED-backlit, glossy, fingerprint-resistant, multi-touch screen with IPS technology, oleophobic coating, and 1024 x 768 pixel resolution. For all intents and purposes, the machine, touted as the savior of the newspaper industry, was dead. But somehow a large stone that had lodged in the entrance to the cave was rolled away, and the i-Pad immediately picked up a wi-fi network signal, which led to its discovery. Peter Rock, his warranty born again, was filled with joy, and there was much celebration. Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs proclaimed, “This resurrection has established the i-Pad as powerful and almighty, and may be cited as proof that I will judge the world in righteousness, although without Flash or the ability to multi-task.”   God Schedules Next Humanitarian Crisis for Week of Academy Awards  HEAVEN – The Almighty issued a press release today revealing His next inexplicable human tragedy would occur a few days prior to this year’s Oscar telecast to take advantage of Hollywood’s star power. “I was watching the Golden Globes with St. Peter and he mentioned how he wanted George Clooney to play him in the movie, and I told him more like George Segal, and he said I thought he was dead, and we were laughing our asses off until Mother Theresa told us to pipe down because Robert DeNiro was actually being coherent, and it hit me like a thunderbolt. Why not kill two birds with one stone? They’ve been slammin’ it in Haiti, so I might as well hit Somalia while everybody’s in town.” The Lord refused to name the specific calamity He had in mind for the beleaguered east African nation, but He promised it would be a doozy in spite of the country’s many other problems. “It’s pretty tough to top Haiti, so I need a sure-fire hit. Plus I figure on coasting a little until my big finish in 2012.” No word on which film God will allow to win best picture, but like everyone else, He was disappointed in Nine. “How can you screw up with Daniel Day Lewis?”         Joe Biden Sneaks Past Security, Crashes State Dinner  WASHINGTON, D.C. – Much to the chagrin of the Secret Service, Vice President Joe Biden breached a security checkpoint and attended the administration’s first official State dinner at the White House last week. Despite strict orders not to allow Biden into the event, officials released pictures which clearly show the Vice President embarrassing himself and others during the dinner honoring Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. Apparently the loquacious VP managed to disable two Marines with an anecdote about his grandfather, rendering them asleep before slipping through a side door and mingling with the other guests. While no one was seriously harmed, the breach is considered serious enough for a top-down investigation and Congressional hearings. “This is inexcusable,” said Rep. Peter King, ranking Republican on the House Homeland Security Committee. “We averted tragedy this time, but what if he’d gotten close enough to a world leader to launch into one of his boring Amtrak stories? It could have been ugly.” White House spokesman Robert Gibbs assured the public that the President remained safe at all times. “He just tunes him out. How do you think he made it through the campaign?” No word on when the Vice President will be released from his time-out. Six Year-Old Crawls Inside Meghan McCain, Floats Away  The nation was transfixed yesterday when Meghan McCain came untethered and floated into the atmosphere with what many believed was a six year-old boy huddled in the crawlspace between her giant bosoms. Millions watched on television as the blogger reached speeds of thirty miles an hour and a height of several thousand feet, aided by the hot air from her incessant chatter and her humungous, helium-filled breasts. The father of the boy frantically called the FAA for assistance in tracking the Republican pundit and daughter of former Presidential candidate, John McCain, fearing his son would be crushed between the right-wing melons. Television coverage was wall-to-wall as authorities scrambled to ascertain how long a human being could survive in such a hostile environment. The previous record was just under an hour by her last surviving boyfriend, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. “I could go thirty, maybe forty minutes in there no problem, but only if I kept her mouth plugged. Once she starts whining, forget about it. You’re done.” Once authorities realized the boy was actually on the ground hiding in his parents’ attic, President Obama authorized F-16s to shoot her down, and the nation breathed a huge sigh of relief as tragedy was averted.