Doctors Race to Find Cure for Weird Celebrity Disease
NEW YORK - The World Health Organization confirmed today that a devastating pandemic affecting only strange celebrities was raging across the globe, as longtime television pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his Tampa, Florida home early this morning. Other than general weirdness, investigators found absolutely no evidence whatsoever related to any other cause of death. “There were no clues at all in his house,” said a spokesman for the Hillsborough County Coroner’s office. “That place wasn’t just clean, it was Oxy-clean.” Authorities with the CDC are hopeful they can develop a vaccine using DNA evidence left over from the Phil Spector trial, but still issued urgent warnings to Tom Cruise and Liza Minelli, who are thought to be particularly vulnerable. “First it was Ed, then Farrah and Michael, and now this,” said the spokesperson, “who’s next, Billy Bob Thornton?” When asked what was so odd about Farrah Fawcett, he replied, “She married Lee Majors, didn’t she?” A representative for Lyle Lovett expressed no worries, as the singer is really just weird looking.
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Ears Found In Man's Testicles
Doctors Prepare To Search For Brain You Know Where
BALTIMORE - Doctors at Johns Hopkins University Hospital discovered what appear to be tiny auditory nubs growing from the testicles of a patient scheduled for an unrelated surgery. The 'ears' were found during a routine pre-operative examination. The planned procedure was postponed and further study showed that an ear was indeed attached to the outside of each testis. A subsequent MRI of the man's genitals revealed what doctors believe is a tiny brain in the man's penis. A nano-neuro surgeon will perform exploratory surgery. "The patient asked me not to reveal the nano part," said Dr. Maurice Sendak, "but as you know, it's not the size of the scalpel but the motion of the forceps." Scientists hailed the discovery as a breakthrough in the search for signs of semi-intelligent life down there. "When blood flow increases to this area, the little brain may take over functions from the big brain," said researcher Shirley Wanalicker. "Just as we've long suspected." The patient is reportedly in good spirits, telling the nurses to speak into his crotch so he can hear them better, and then playfully grabbing the back of their heads. This behavior reinforces the belief his brain is in his pants. Ironically, the man was originally scheduled to receive cochlear implants to improve his hearing.
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Internet Resigns
Tired of Forwarding Lame Jokes
WORLD - The Internet, also known as the World Wide Web, quit in disgust yesterday after passing on the same stupid joke for the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th time. "I'm sick of spending all my time forwarding porn and lame jokes," said the global communications network. "Don't you people have anything better to do?" Billions of people all over the world apparently do not, and begged for the computer system's return. "This is bogus," said Josh Martell, 17, of Boston. "My mom had dinner ready, but her e-mail didn't get through. If I hadn't smelled the macaroni, I wouldn't have known to go downstairs." Businesses all over the world ground to a halt as employees had to re-learn face to face communication skills and hand write memos. Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft, was unfazed. "I'm working on new technologies to spread our software directly using viral systems during cold and flu season. It's called OSS, or Open Sneeze Software. Your neighbor coughs and boom, you owe me $199.00." Meanwhile, the worldwide candlelight vigils set for this evening to implore the Internet to go back to work might actually encourage people to meet and talk to each other in person again, thus easing the World Wide Workload.
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Evian Flu Scare
Typo Creates Panic, French Bashing
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Michael Brown, acting in his capacity as consultant to the Federal Emergency Management Administration, issued an order halting the distribution of bottled water to government run shelters, after misreading his own notes following a meeting with Michael Chertoff, head of Homeland Security. "I don't know what to do with this guy anymore," said the cabinet secretary. "He's as bad as the President. He can't even get my coffee order straight. I think he's retarded." The order created havoc at several detainee/evacuation centers when residents were refused water. "I thought it was Abu Gharaib or something," said Tamika Jefferson, who was at the convention center in New Orleans for several days without food and water. Rumors spread the government planned to "finish the job Mother Nature started," and the resulting panic led to evacuees evacuating evacuation centers. President Bush, who had just released a request for money to combat the avian flu, said "We're prepared to fight both at once, just like when we invade North Korea next month." He also announced he was pleased "those folks can finally go home," and the shelter doors were closed and locked as soon as the last person left, despite repeated knocking. The President announced the money saved by the early center closings would be used to "promote the sale of water raised in America, instead of that French vichy-water that gives you the runs. And tax cuts."
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Founding Fathers To Be Cloned
'Original Intent' Question to be Answered In 30 Years
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American Civil Liberties Union and the Federalist Society have joined together in a unique project to settle, once and for all, arguments about the original intent of the founding fathers, by cloning Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Benjamin Franklin. The three leaders will be raised in circumstances as close as possible to those in which the originals grew to manhood on a large parcel in western Colorado. The acreage, donated by Ted Turner, will be turned into a 'Constitutional Preserve', as soon as several thousand buffalo living there can be either moved or eaten. Actors will be hired to play formative roles, a la "The Truman Show." After much discussion, the normally opposing groups held a press conference, during which the Federalists admitted reluctantly approving Thomas Jefferson over their preference of John Adams only after being assured that young women portraying slaves would be put on birth control. "It's not our usual position, of course," said Prof. Steven G. Calabresi, the national co-chair of the conservative group, "but the last thing we need is some actress suing for child support before TJ 2.0 grows up to declare her 3/5 of a person." At that point, the joint interview ended in recrimination and finger pointing, rather like the Constitutional Convention. If the project proves successful, plans are in place to clone Jesus Christ, Alger Hiss, and Ron Goldman.
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Abstinence Linked to Female Cancer
Phenomenon Occurs Only in Southern States; Condom Sales Up
ATLANTA - Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control have found a causal link between sexual abstinence and cancer in women between the ages of 18 and 34. The findings, to be published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, indicate the benefit of sexual activity is exclusive to the states of Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas, and parts of Louisiana. A female senior at an undisclosed high school said, "I usually go 'meet at the pole' in the morning for prayer, but no one was there. They were all having sex. It's kinda the same thing. You feel pressured, but you get on your knees, and before you know it, it's all over." Jerry Falwell, founder of Liberty University, issued an order that all women enrolled at the school should marry immediately, before accepting any preventative care. "We can't have our daughters sacrifice eternal life in heaven for cancer free life on earth." Interstate highways leading into the region were jammed with carloads of college age men, nicknamed "Blue State Boys" intent on providing medical services. Doctors Without Boundaries, a new group founded by two medical students, has obtained funding from the Playboy Foundation to build several "Defloration Centers" near college campuses and medical centers. The New Orleans Strip Club-Associated Business Society, or NO SCABS, released a statement: "Perhaps this is punishment for the Godly, sexless practices of our brothers and sisters who never attend Mardi Gras."
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