Pamela Anderson’s Boobs File for Divorce, Seek Custody of Vagina
HOLLYWOOD – Citing irreconcilable differences, the breasts of Pamela Anderson filed for dissolution of their union with the actress today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, and announced they will seek sole custody of her vagina. “The pair has been estranged for several months, and wish to free themselves of the restrictive ties which bind them so closely to the actress,” said the teats’ attorney, Gloria Allred. “And it’s just so hot and sticky in there, not to mention that retard Kid Rock treating them like speed bags.” A spokesman for the actress expressed udder shock the boobs would make such a move, or move at all, for that matter. “Pam is hoping to work something out, and then work it back in, and then work it out, and then work it back in, and keep it up until the happy ending. It’s worked well for her in the past.” Both parties expressed a desire to retain custody of the actress’ vajayjay, which was in for its ninety-day rotation and unavailable for comment, but experts say the punani holds enormous power and will ultimately be at the center of any action. “I mean,” said a spokesperson, “it would be like a day without sunshine, if sunshine was prone to yeast infections.”
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'Crash' Makes 'Brokeback' Its Bitch Western Bruised, Thrilled HOLLYWOOD - Brokeback Mountain, the boundary crossing 'gay cowboy movie' was upset, "but not disappointed", when the provocative ensemble drama Crash overpowered the sensitive love story at the 78th annual Academy Awards last night. Bruised and certainly bowed, Brokeback said the experience was not completely unexpected. "That's the way it is with a lot of these macho films," said the movie, "They're gritty in public, but get them in private and bang, you're bent over a chair with tears rolling down your back." After the last award was handed out, Crash was seen entering a rear exit with a determined look, and moments later came out disheveled and slightly sheepish. The Ang Lee directed film stumbled out shortly thereafter, looking tired but oddly satisfied. "Crash was really very sweet. The running time was a little short, but I loved the happy ending." Interviewed later at the Governor's Ball, Crash claimed the films were 'just friends', and denied any involvement before a publicist reached around and yanked the film off to another affair. At the Vanity Fair party, Hustle and Flow held court in the VIP Room, bringing Capote to its knees. "What the hell", said Hustle, "Ya close ya eyes, a mouth's a mouth." The biopic mumbled something unintelligible and went back to its business.
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Shootout at Oscars Gore, Cheney Continue East vs West Coast Feud HOLLYWOOD - Al Gore, upset in recent weeks over what he perceives undue attention paid to rival Dick Cheney, shot 85 year old Jack Valenti on the red carpet outside the entrance to the Kodak Theatre just before the start of the 78th annual Academy Awards. Gore, long aligned with the west coast Hollywood elite, has been at odds with Cheney, the leader of the east coast neo cons, since he left office in 2000. Valenti, a former lobbyist and long time friend of Gore's was apologetic as he pulled birdshot out of his face. "It's all my fault. I should know better than to get between those two. When Aaron Burr asked me to be his second, I had the good sense to decline," said Valenti, who was recuperating after a subsequent heart attack. Cheney shot a trial lawyer several weeks ago, and Gore's shooting of a lobbyist was seen as retaliation. Cheney, reached after the ceremony, said "Gore's eye for an eye strategy won't work. He should know by now that killing doesn't bother me at all. Look at Iraq." Gore was a little more contrite, saying simply, "I wish I knew how to quit him." When the shooting broke out, members of the rap group Three 6 Mafia, nominated for best song, hustled Gore and Cheney and their crews to opposite sides of the walkway, probably preventing more bloodshed. "This was incredibly immature," said Crunchy Black, after dusting off his tuxedo. "And certainly no way to settle one's differences." Dolly Parton, another best song nominee, deflected several shots with her bosom, which fortunately struck Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa through their heads. Since the bullets were not silver, they then finished their interviews. The ceremony went on as planned, although there was a definite pall over the technical awards. Most celebrities were unaware of the incident, however, as a combination of sunglasses and xanax clouded their perception.
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Mick Jagger Wardrobe Malfunction Super Bowl 'Grinds' To a Halt DETROIT - In another embarrassment for the NFL, Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones exposed himself during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. The event, televised world wide on Sunday, nearly doubled the number of people who have seen the rocker's genitalia. Those who viewed the event from the stands probably did not notice when the geriatric icon's wrinkled package popped into view at the end of "My Obsession", but numerous stage hands on the field were treated for nausea and vomiting. "That was gross," said David Biggar, 25, who was on the field to dismantle the stage after the half time show. "At first I thought he had one of those terrible towels stuck in his belt, only it was, like, a terrible towelette. Then it was like, 'dude, your dingus!' Then I passed out." Biggar was one of dozens on the field to require medical attention, causing the delay of the second half. Keith Richards was quoted as saying, "I told him not to take that bleedin' pill till the 3rd quarter." ABC quickly cut away to an unfortunate close up of Aretha Franklin downing a foot long. The league was quick to apologize, and announced the halftime show next year would be headlined by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Two of the game's commercial sponsors, Pepto-Bismol and Viagra, reported increased activity on their respective websites. ABC announced plans to market a pay-per view replay under the title, Super Bowl XS, but they swear it stands for extra special.
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Oprah Confronts Shakespeare Berates Author For Half Truths in Cymbeline CHICAGO - Oprah Winfrey, in a special broadcast of her popular talk show, chastised William Shakespeare for playing fast and loose with the facts in one of his lesser known historical plays. Media watchdogs were stunned when the author actually showed up for the taping. "First of all, Shakespeare rarely commented on his work", said Christopher Marley, president of the National Shakespeare Society, "and second, he's been dead four hundred years." When Winfrey was asked how she knew the playwright would actually appear, she said "Because I'm Oprah", and then destroyed the questioner with a pillar of fire from her eyes. Winfrey was particularly incensed about the character of Iachimo, who makes a bet with Posthumous that he can tempt Imogen to commit adultery. "I feel duped. You obviously changed the amount of the wager," said Her Oprahness. Nonplussed, the Bard murmured over and over "the emotional truth of the story remains intact" while audience members alternately gasped or booed, depending on which telepathic instruction they received from Oprahlissimo. After the taping, Oprah said she felt energized by the exchange. Shakespeare was unavailable for comment, as he returned to dust outside her presence. On her next show, The Almighty plans to grill the almighty about 'some incidents' in Genesis. "I'm just not buying the whole six day thing" said Oprah. "Who does he think he is, Me?" Then Oprah laughed, and wished a reporter into the cornfield.
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Entertainment in Briefs PASADENA - Scientists at Cal Tech have detected unusual seismic activity around Pacific View Memorial Park in Orange County, California. The epicenter has been determined to be John Wayne's burial plot, located in this picturesque cemetery in Newport Beach, south of Los Angeles. The monitors first showed movement in late 2005, during the opening weekend of the film "Brokeback Mountain", and registered increasing activity which peaked at the moment the 'gay cowboy movie' won the Golden Globe for Best Dramatic Film at the annual awards ceremony. The Department of Homeland Security has joined with local officials in preparation of evacuation plans for the entire community should the film win the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards ceremony. NEW YORK - ABC announced today Dick Clark is once again back to a comfortable 31 degrees. HOLLYWOOD - NBC announced plans for a third edition of the popular television show The Apprentice, in spite of lower than expected ratings for the version starring Martha Stewart. "This one will hew more to the original with Donald Trump, but with an international flavor", said producer Mark Burnett. The Apprentice:Iraq will air from various locations around Baghdad, and star terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. "The stakes will be higher, and the tension will definitely ratchet up a notch", frothed Burnett. "When he says, 'You've been car bombed', our focus groups went nuts." The new program will air Thursday nights, opposite Survivor:New Orleans.
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‘Joey’ Ruled Unconstitutional
Waterboarding and Neil Diamond Also Forbidden By Fourth Amendment
RICHMOND, VA - The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled today that the use of the NBC sitcom ‘Joey’ constituted cruel and unusual punishment, and would no longer be allowed as an interrogation tool. Other methods of torture currently employed by the CIA in black prisons around the world, including waterboarding and Neil Diamond, were also disallowed as violations of the Geneva Conventions. “The information garnered just isn‘t reliable,” said Senator John McCain, who was himself tortured during the Vietnam War. “The viewer will say anything by the end of the teaser.” Waterboarding is a technique by which the prisoner is led to believe death is imminent. The subject begs for mercy an average of fourteen seconds into the terrifying treatment. The CIA began using 'Joey' in an effort to save time. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who had signed off on the technique, decried the ruling, and announced plans to appeal it to the Supreme Court. “We think we’ll win there. Scalia is a big ‘According to Jim’ fan.” A spokesperson for Matt LeBlanc, star of the struggling sitcom, released a statement saying “Matt is willing to help however he can in the war on terror, even if it means moving to Friday nights. Long as we get to a hundred episodes.” Civil liberties advocates hailed the decision, and are awaiting a ruling in the ninth circuit on the legality of Sylvester Stallone's entire career.
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Ted Koppel Ends Long Run On ABC
Hair Will Stay On As Host Of Nightline
NEW YORK - Ted Koppel is leaving ABC and his long time anchor position on Nightline, which he has held since its inception in 1979. His hair will continue as host of the nightly news program at least through 2006, it was announced today. Koppel joined ABC in 1963. His hairstyle joined the network the following year. Before the Nightline assignment, Koppel and his hair worked as foreign correspondents, anchored The ABC Saturday Night News, and served as chief diplomatic correspondents for ABC News from 1971 to 1980. Koppel and his hair have covered every presidential campaign since 1964, although an unpleasant incident during the 1968 Democratic convention in the windy city of Chicago nearly led the two to part company. "Actually, that situation, while certainly difficult, became the catalyst for the discovery of new methods by which to cement the bonds that hold us together, even unto this day", said the loquacious newsman, waxing nostalgic. "But now I just stay indoors." Koppel and his hair have won every major broadcasting honor, including 37 Emmys, 10 duPont-Columbia Awards, 9 Overseas Press Club Awards, 6 Peabodys, 2 Polks, and the P'art Rige en a' Hair Prix. When Koppel was asked about the logistics of his hair hosting the news program from Washington while he vacations overseas, he replied, "Not a problem." Koppel's hair holds a Bachelor of Science from Syracuse University and an M.A. in mass communications research and political science from the Stanford School of Cosmetology.
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Johnny Depp Attacks Ocean Liner
'Pirates' Star Stuns Tourists
INDIAN OCEAN - Film star Johnny Depp mounted an attack on a luxury cruise ship approximately twenty miles off the coast of Somalia yesterday. The method actor, in full Pirates of the Carribbean regalia, surprised a retired doctor from Palm Beach and his wife when he leapt aboard the vessel around 4:30 A.M. and demanded the ship change course and drop him off at Cannes, France, near where the actor maintains a home. The ship was traveling around the horn of Africa, enroute from Egypt to Kenya at the time. The startled vacationer, Dr. Norman Haverstein, did not recognize the actor right away. "At first I thought, 'my goodness, the beggars from port have gotten aggressive', but my wife said 'no, that's the guy from 21 Jump Street', which really seemed to agitate him, so we promised to give the captain the message, and he calmed down a bit." Passenger Arlene Goldberg, who happened upon the group during her morning walk, said "He was ranting about how he escaped from Bruck-somebody, and just wanted to go home. It was pretty strange. But he had an adorable tuchis." When early rising passengers began congregating and asking for autographs, Depp re-buckled his swash and dove into the sea. In a related story, Nick Nolte wrestled the oars from a fisherman in Galveston, Texas and attempted to row to Cabo San Lucas.
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Katie Holmes Pregnant
Mother Nature Resigns
HOLLYWOOD - Publicists for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced today Ms Holmes was pregnant with the action star's child, prompting Mother Nature to call it quits. "I've had it," she exclaimed when hearing the news. "How can I do my job when you people are constantly pulling stunts like this?" The move took God by surprise. "I knew she was stressed lately, but after the hurricanes and global warming, I thought she had gotten it out of her system." Mother Nature has been unhappy for some time with mankind's habit of pushing her limits for its own gratification, and constantly flouting her essence. "This is against everything I stand for," the sub-deity ranted. "It's not nice to fool me. Plus this is just too ridiculous. It insults my intelligence." Worried scientists and clergymen pleaded with God to intervene, but to no avail. "I don't go near her when she's on the rag," the Heavenly Father said. "She'll calm down after the avian flu kills a few million people next year. Oops. You didn't hear that." Mother Nature was asked if her rage was due to Cruise becoming a natural father despite his rumored homosexuality. "That's another thing," she responded. "You people are obsessed with homos. I don't care which way daddy swings. But that Dianetics really chaps my ass." The Church of Scientology issued a statement of congratulations to its most prominent member, saying the second coming of Brother Hubbard was eagerly anticipated.
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Oprah White
Talk Show Host Has 'Passed' Since 1973
CHICAGO - Popular talk show host Oprah Winfrey has kept secret for years the fact she was actually born to wealthy white parents in upstate New York in 1955. Friends and fans alike were stunned to learn she was Caucasian. Long time friend Quincy Jones expressed shock. "We had a little trouble with a musical number at the Image Awards, but I had no idea," he said. "I thought her rhythm was off because she gained that weight back." Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison, whose book Beloved was turned into a film produced by Winfrey, was almost, but not quite, speechless. "All I can say is no wonder she keeps casting Halle Berry." Terry McMillan, long time friend and author, was outside a Los Angeles courthouse when she heard the news. "Who gives a damn? I been takin' it from down low," she said. "Nothin' surprises me." A spokesperson for Stevie Wonder released a statement saying, in part, "Stevie has always known. He just didn't know you all didn't know. It's a smell thing." Stedman Graham, her longtime partner, said, "It's not about that. I don't see color with Oprah." When asked about the green of her money, he replied, "She pays me by check, fool." Michael Jackson said he would write a song for her, but he "didn't see what the big deal was." Oprah herself was confronted while shopping. All she said was, "I could never have become the richest Black woman on earth unless I was White." She then left the Gap store with an armful of khakis.
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